Over the hill...
This weekend I was delivered a choice. Go to my sister-in-law's surprise 40th birthday party, man we're getting old, or stay home and man handle myself to 24/7 Compton Honeys 13 on channel 598. Needless to say family obligations won out, but just barely.
Like every other 40th birthday party, the traditional gifts go out the window. I wanted to be extra clever with my gift so I set out a whole 45 minutes before the party to find the perfect item. Normally, I would wait until 15 minutes before the event to purchase the obligatory gift, but this was a special occasion.
First stop, Target. I picked up one of those shoebox greeting cards that claims to be humorous but usually just contains rehashed jokes about sagging tits. If I remember right, the card I bought said something about tits sagging.
Since target was lacks on the whole gag gift thing I headed on over to the Paper Warehouse. Again, I missed my mark, as it appears if it doesn't come with a cartoon character or a picture of Elvis on it, they don't carry it.
I then thought I would head over to this place called the Stoopid Little Shop, since they are known for carrying wide assortments of plastic poop and jars of snake nuts. But again I was met with disappointment, as I came to discover they went out of business. I guess the plastic poop business isn't as good as it used to be, most likely because you can find an endless supply of real poop online.
By now I was in a �choose or lose� moment because the party was to start soon. I sat in my car for a moment contemplating my next move while listening to the musical stylings of Chris DeBurgh. Somewhere between 'dancing with me cheek to cheek' and 'the way you look tonight' genius struck.
When I pulled up to the house, around 7 or 8, I realized it wasn't going to be much of a surprise party as there were at least 10 cars in the driveway and all up-and-down the street. There wasn't much room left for my car so I parked it halfway between some guy�s driveway and a fire hydrant.
When the sister-in-law finally arrived we did the whole surprise thing, knowing full well the surprise was blown by over looking the obvious flaw in our parking strategy. Regardless she seemed pleased. We did the whole how-are-you-I-am-great thing for about an hour. We threw back a few of Mexico's finer beverages whilst gorging ourselves on various snack-sized wieners.
Finally, the gifts. She got a black bra that was adorned with some saggy tit reference, a can of WD-40, a toddler's size 4T shirt (get it FOUR-T), and other assorted over the hill crap destined for the trash 2 minutes after her house cleared out. Since she is a connoisseur of fine aged edibles, the 40 year old bottle of mayonnaise I'd been saving couldn't have made a better gift.
We finished out the night by talking about playing poker, but since no one quite mustered up the will to actually get the game going we just left it at talk. Luckily, I made it home in time to catch the replay of 24/7 Compton Honeys 13 and was able to go to bed satisfied with a job well done.
Have fun.
j.
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