Kill Quentin vol. 4
The weekend turned out to be more like having sex for the first time with someone other than yourself, a lot of build up and not much action, than anything spectacular. I did manage to catch a flick I have wanted to see for a long time and thanks to the wonders of DVD I was able to watch two hours of my life vanish right before my eyes, we�ll get more into that later.
I managed to turn myself a nice shade of red Saturday. I took my daughter to her weekly soccer game, where I preceded to watch her team get all David Beckum-like on the opposing team of young girls, increasing their undefeated season by one. As a follow up to that fun in the sun, I thought it would be a great idea to mow the yard in the middle of the afternoon in near 90 degree weather. I paid the price with a little deep fried skin, a severe heat headache, and inflamed allergies. So like any sensible person would do, I grabbed a quick and painful shower and headed off to get my hair cut. Let me tell you first hand, clippers and sun burns don�t mix.
I spent most of Sunday and the better part of today shaking off the sinus troubles brought on by breathing in millions of microscopic particles from animal feces and various other unmentionables that are stirred up by a million-horse power, hurricane generating, turbo mower.
I�ve read countless reviews from both critics and friends singing the praises of Quentin Tarantino�s latest epic, Kill Bill: Volume 1 & 2. What�s been billed as Crouching Tiger meets Pulp Fiction was more like Kung Pow: Enter the Fist meets Charlie�s Angels 2.
The epic starts with a mass murder having just taken place at the wedding of a very pregnant notorious assassin, the heinous acts being perpetrated by her comrades in arms. Four years later, the not quite dead bride awakens from her coma intent on seeking revenge for the death of her unborn child. This where we get our first lesson, entropy is not so much a physical condition as it is a mental one, kind of a stage fright for your legs that can be willed away by just yelling at them for five minutes.
Let me break in here for a second. If you have a burning need to wear high heels to the extent that you are willing to let your toes look like they came out of the business end of a wood chipper, please dear God, suppress whatever desires you may have to show them to me.
Another fun thing I was able to learn from this educational film, you can spend 45 minutes hacking of arms, legs, and heads of various would be ninjas and you won�t even break a sweat. That�s good to know the next time I am in need of an egg roll and find myself in Chinese nightclub occupied by the Yakuza.
Much like Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill is told in chapters and somewhat out of order. But unlike Pulp Fiction, Tarantino has decided that his audience is made up of completely ignorant people and we must all be lead around from scene to scene by title sequences and narration in order to make any sense of his film.
Where Pulp Fiction had superb dialogue amongst very strong actors to offset the intense graphic violence that film contained, Kill Bill does not and because it doesn�t this film falls severely short of it�s goal. On a five star scale, I�d have to say Kill Bill vol. 1 deserves a solid square. In case you missed it, I just drew a little box in the air with my fingers, ah la Uma Thurman.
j
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